Accepting My Asian Heritage Has Made Me Happier

2017 was a difficult year. Work was horribly difficult and I basically was at the lowest point of my young adult life right in the middle of summer. I felt like such a failure! It's taking all that I have to bounce back and get back to normal. I have the greatest fiancé and manager though, so I'm thankful for that.

The difficulties aside - it actually made me so much more humble. It literally brought me back down to Earth and for the first time, I had a realistic view of how my future would look based on the actions I was taking. I've come to realize that every step I took in my career, in my friendships, in my family life, in my love life - everything affected how my future would be. And for that, I cut out a lot of unnecessary things like wasteful spending, wasteful drinking and partying, friends who weren't really my friends, etc. It was a painful cleanse, but it was so, so necessary. 

After that, I've been giving a lot of thought into my own purpose in life. I also have given a lot of thought into what my life would be like after my parents are gone; for some reason, this gave me a better sense of what I wanted to accomplish and what I wanted for myself. It's made me realize that I want to do as much as I can to make them as happy as possible. I want them to be proud of me. 

Not only that, but I so badly don't want their painful experience in the Khmer Rouge to have happened in vain. They endured unspeakable horrors and what have I done to show for it? Not much - I don't help them pay any bills, I don't help them almost in any aspect of life and for that, I am determined to change that all. Even though nothing I do will be enough to repay them for saving my life, I can at least try.

Which is why I have accepted that my wedding will be a traditional Cambodian wedding. This will make my parents happy, and is the very least I can do; after all, I am their only daughter. And what can I truly afford besides a traditional Asian wedding, anyway? It's far less expensive than an American style. 

It's funny that I used to be so conflicted in having a Cambodian wedding while also adding in my own unique aspects like an American wedding gown, and American music, etc. In fact, I was actually upset that I would only get to wear my gown for, perhaps, 3 maybe 4 hours? I was so upset that I was spending a ridiculous amount of money on a gown that I barely had any time to wear, all because I had to wear about 5 other Cambodian outfits within the same day.

But, looking at what I want to accomplish, and looking at what my life will be like when my parents are gone, imagining what their memories will be when they pass on - going over these thoughts in my head has given me the focus and passion to make this the best Cambodian wedding they can have; it actually gives me comfort and purpose knowing that I can give them this wedding and that it will make them happy. It's made it so much easier to accept all of the outfit changes, wearing my gown for only a couple of hours, and waking up at the crack of down for the ceremony. 

Through this thought process, I've also accepted so many other things in life that I was conflicted about. For a long time, I wanted to travel the world; all these social media posts around me glamorized how travelling made us feel free and that it was considered 'lame' and 'unfair' to be trapped to a 9 to 5 job. While true in some sense, it also gave me such a false image of what my life should be like! Living freely and easily is not what life is all about; life is about working hard for nice things, building a work ethic that not only lands you in great opportunities, but also connects you to amazing people. 

Like I said, my parents endured pure hell on Earth and escaped to America to give my brother and I a safe life. They were stationed and put to work in a refugee camp just so they could escape the genocide in their home country. And like I said again, what have I done to show for it? I most definitely do not feel that travelling the world and blowing all my money is the best way to make my parents happy. If I am able to support them and take care of them, I most certainly would travel the world, but I don't  - so why would I leave them?

Maybe travelling freely will be a luxury that I can afford in my late thirties and forties, and hopefully I can take them with me. But as a young adult, I've found comfort in knowing that while I can't afford that yet, I can still make my parents happy through other ways. That's my purpose. 

2016 Was My Favorite Year

First of all, let me just say: what. a. year!

Looking back, I really loved 2016; a lot has happened and this year will undeniably stick out from many of the rest. Firstly, I bought a home this year with my boyfriend - huge step to say the least. Not only was it a painful and difficult process that stretched over many months, but it was a process that we successfully overcame, together. From finding a near perfect home that had everything we wanted (the important stuff) to renovating the floors, painting the house, and adding a new roof and then refinancing it about 6 months later - this was a huge accomplishment that I know we will look back on and be really proud of.

Work was also a painful and difficult process this year. I was given a lot more responsibility and control over my career and with that, came a lot of growing pains - from learning new things to learning how to work with different personalities, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies! But with the struggle, came the knowledge and for that I will forever be grateful and not to mention, excited for what's really in store for next year as I embark with a new outlook on how I want my career to pan out.

And as always, my own personal journey came to fruition and does so more and more every single year. I lost touch with my creative and artistic side for a very long time. I had bits and pieces of it throughout the years as I made little cards here, decorated little parties there, but I was holding back immensely and this year, I finally dug deep into my core and found my fire again, so to speak. Albeit a little embarrassing, but decorating our Christmas tree was a big deal for me - I couldn't just settle for anything typical or standard; I really needed validation that I still had artistic taste in me, because that's who I am and anything less and I would've continued feeling unfulfilled. My tree turned out perfectly and just the way I'd intended. I can't believe I was scared to decorate it! 

The same thing happened for my Christmas gift that I made for my boyfriend. I wanted to paint him something, because back to when we were living with his brother, I'd had him sell these huge, beautiful Buddha canvas paintings because 1) we had no room for them and 2) I didn't really like them and felt like they weren't really "me". I looked back onto that time and regretted it this year, realizing that our home shouldn't be about just "me" but US, together and I also realized that the paintings actually were tasteful. So back to the point, I wanted to paint him my own Buddha painting and I was so scared that I would fail and that if I did, I would again feel unfulfilled and unhappy with myself.

But the painting turned out wonderfully and I even surprised myself. It was everything I wanted, even with all its imperfections; it was unique and one of a kind and that is a gift I don't think any other art piece can give him. My validation was also settled; I am who I thought I was and the person I used to be back in high school. I don't know where she went but she's back and 2016 was the year she returned.

With that said....I didn't forget about our new president elect, Donald Trump. I'm not a fan and I was actually rather heartbroken with the results, but if the next year will be anything like this one, I'm counting on good faith that if I can get through a few tough and painful experiences, then so can our country. That's not to ignore all of the negativity and hate that has spewed out once he was elected, but it's to inspire hope because frankly, that's all we have left and if we have at least that, then I don't believe that we're totally screwed. Just my two cents.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!