2017 was a difficult year. Work was horribly difficult and I basically was at the lowest point of my young adult life right in the middle of summer. I felt like such a failure! It's taking all that I have to bounce back and get back to normal. I have the greatest fiancé and manager though, so I'm thankful for that.
The difficulties aside - it actually made me so much more humble. It literally brought me back down to Earth and for the first time, I had a realistic view of how my future would look based on the actions I was taking. I've come to realize that every step I took in my career, in my friendships, in my family life, in my love life - everything affected how my future would be. And for that, I cut out a lot of unnecessary things like wasteful spending, wasteful drinking and partying, friends who weren't really my friends, etc. It was a painful cleanse, but it was so, so necessary.
After that, I've been giving a lot of thought into my own purpose in life. I also have given a lot of thought into what my life would be like after my parents are gone; for some reason, this gave me a better sense of what I wanted to accomplish and what I wanted for myself. It's made me realize that I want to do as much as I can to make them as happy as possible. I want them to be proud of me.
Not only that, but I so badly don't want their painful experience in the Khmer Rouge to have happened in vain. They endured unspeakable horrors and what have I done to show for it? Not much - I don't help them pay any bills, I don't help them almost in any aspect of life and for that, I am determined to change that all. Even though nothing I do will be enough to repay them for saving my life, I can at least try.
Which is why I have accepted that my wedding will be a traditional Cambodian wedding. This will make my parents happy, and is the very least I can do; after all, I am their only daughter. And what can I truly afford besides a traditional Asian wedding, anyway? It's far less expensive than an American style.
It's funny that I used to be so conflicted in having a Cambodian wedding while also adding in my own unique aspects like an American wedding gown, and American music, etc. In fact, I was actually upset that I would only get to wear my gown for, perhaps, 3 maybe 4 hours? I was so upset that I was spending a ridiculous amount of money on a gown that I barely had any time to wear, all because I had to wear about 5 other Cambodian outfits within the same day.
But, looking at what I want to accomplish, and looking at what my life will be like when my parents are gone, imagining what their memories will be when they pass on - going over these thoughts in my head has given me the focus and passion to make this the best Cambodian wedding they can have; it actually gives me comfort and purpose knowing that I can give them this wedding and that it will make them happy. It's made it so much easier to accept all of the outfit changes, wearing my gown for only a couple of hours, and waking up at the crack of down for the ceremony.
Through this thought process, I've also accepted so many other things in life that I was conflicted about. For a long time, I wanted to travel the world; all these social media posts around me glamorized how travelling made us feel free and that it was considered 'lame' and 'unfair' to be trapped to a 9 to 5 job. While true in some sense, it also gave me such a false image of what my life should be like! Living freely and easily is not what life is all about; life is about working hard for nice things, building a work ethic that not only lands you in great opportunities, but also connects you to amazing people.
Like I said, my parents endured pure hell on Earth and escaped to America to give my brother and I a safe life. They were stationed and put to work in a refugee camp just so they could escape the genocide in their home country. And like I said again, what have I done to show for it? I most definitely do not feel that travelling the world and blowing all my money is the best way to make my parents happy. If I am able to support them and take care of them, I most certainly would travel the world, but I don't - so why would I leave them?
Maybe travelling freely will be a luxury that I can afford in my late thirties and forties, and hopefully I can take them with me. But as a young adult, I've found comfort in knowing that while I can't afford that yet, I can still make my parents happy through other ways. That's my purpose.
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